It is such a pain in the butt to pee outdoors when you’re equipped with, shall we say, indoor plumbing.

I’m an outdoorsy kinda gal. I grew up hiking and camping in the rainforests of Australia. I love exploring the wild outdoors – but it is such a pain in the butt (sometimes literally, if you squat in the wrong place!) to pee outdoors when you’re equipped with, shall we say, indoor plumbing.

It’s unfair that men can just whip it out whenever they need to relieve themselves. Those of us without penis have to negotiate a number of awkward steps – do we take off our pants over our shoes before we squat? Or awkwardly pull our kickers to one side and risk dribbling all over our footwear? Can I stand back up swiftly and efficiently when I’m done, or will I wobble and fall into a puddle of my own urine? And what if, say, a bear comes by while I’m peeing? A man with a penis can just take off running – I am trapped, hobbled by my own sad little pee squat, vulnerable to all attacks.

Recently, as I tested my overworked glutes (curse you, leg day!) while hovering over the bowels of a truly disgusting porta-potty, I thought “hang on, it’s 2022. I live in the future. We have things like Bluetooth water bottles, touchscreen toasters, and motion-sensor toilet lights... surely by now we have the technology for me to pee standing up?!”

And lo, dear readers, I was correct. In fact, a quick Google search showed that there are a shocking number of products on the market that are designed to solve my urea-based problem.

The first device I tested was the Rquite Female Urination Device. I ordered this particular apparatus because it had 4.3 out of 5 stars on Amazon, was made of medical-grade silicone, and came as a pack of two for one. It boasted a wide cup to accommodate more volume, and a beveled tip for greater outflow volume, which supposedly prevents overflow spills. 

My first impression of the device was that it reminded me of a Heffalump trunk. Pink and squishy, the silicone was soft but still firm enough to maintain its shape, so it wouldn't collapse on itself when I put my junk on the trunk, heh.

I’m embarrassed to admit how excited I was to test it out. As a fairly well-hydrated person (did you know water is good for you?) I pee frequently throughout the day – I couldn’t help but think of all the time that might be saved in my schedule if this thing worked.

Thank goodness I heeded the advice of those that went before me (Amazon reviewers) and tested it at home first. I’ll admit it, I kind of peed on myself a little. If you try it yourself, I highly recommend you practice in the shower before using it anywhere else.

At first, I thought I had urinated directly onto my own hand, but I was just feeling the force (and warmth, blech!) of my pee hitting the inside of the silicone cup, the outside of which I held in my hand. It was a little unsettling at first, but I quickly got used to it. 

Initially, everything was going swimmingly for the most part. A steady stream was exiting the tip of the funnel into the toilet bowl.  Then I realized I had forgotten to lift the toilet seat and had a moment of sympathy for every man that I’ve chastised for splashing. The splashback onto the seat caused by urine hitting the water was something I did not think about until it was too late, and there was nothing to be done about it by that point. 

Splashback aside, it would have been fine except the pee didn’t exit the funnel fast enough. I was filling the funnel with pee faster than it could empty, so the urine started to back up into the cup. I had followed the instructions on the packet and formed a tight seal against my body, so while it didn't exactly overflow (as it promised), my nethers wound up lightly resting atop a pool of pee. This meant that when I was done with the deed, my entire undercarriage was wet, and it was impossible to remove the empty funnel without some of that wetness getting on my clothes.

I was somewhat disheartened by my initial attempt. There were so many reviews praising this device, including one from a female truck driver who said she uses it to pee into gallon jugs in “the privacy of her truck”. I struggled to get it right in a regular bathroom setting, let alone in the cramped confines of a vehicle.

But as the saying goes – if at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again!  Or, if you’re like me, try maybe one more time before you get frustrated and go online to order another product.

Enter the Venus to Mars Female Urinal:

With a whopping 1,795 reviews and a rating of 4.4 out of 5 stars, I’ll be honest I mostly chose this product because the name tickled me.

VENUS TO MARS Female Urinal

Touting itself as “the #1 solution for ladies going #1!” (I mean come on, that’s just solid copy), the Venus to Mars is made from a much harder plastic than its softer silicone competitor. The Venus to Mars has more of a trough shape, like an open taco – that is, the stream of pee is not enclosed on the top or “roofed in”. This gave me pause at first, thinking it would splash everywhere. As it turned out, I found this device to be much easier to use. The hard plastic was actually useful for gently removing any leftover drips, and its “open-air” design means it won’t back up and overflow. Plus, the carrying case it comes with is cute. I found that this option was the best for use if you want to keep your clothes on.

No matter which device you settle on, you’ll probably want to invest in some wet wipes, and carry a little extra water to rinse it out. But if the idea of carrying a freshly-used-to-urinate funnel around on your person doesn’t appeal to you, maybe you’re interested in a disposable option.

I tested out a packet of Sani Girl Disposable female sanitary funnels and found them surprisingly easy to use. The funnels arrive flat, so they can be slipped easily into a purse or pocketbook, and pop open easily for use. I tested one with immediate success. The enclosed funnel design meant I had no concerns about splashing myself, while at the same time the funnel point was big enough that it was never in danger of overflowing. If using a disposable device makes you feel guilty, keep in mind that this product is made from sustainable recyclable paperboard, making it eco-friendly.

I was surprised that I found the SaniGirl easier to use than the first silicone device. I gave the Rquite Female Urination Device another shot. It seems that I just needed a little practice after all -it was much easier to use that time around.

Everybody is different, like a swath of genital-shaped snowflakes, so what works best for me may not work for you. Read the reviews and find what tickles your fancy. I can say, however, that one of my female urination devices will be in constant rotation in my backpack. Whether I’m hiking in the middle of the wilderness or enjoying a simple picnic in the park with only disgusting portapotties at my disposal, it’s important to always be prepared!

I cannot stress enough though practice at home before you take one of these babies out to write your name in the snow for the first time.